Sunday, October 21, 2012

Mommy Guilt

A little bit of the time I think I have this momma thing figured out, and then most of the time I don't think I have it figured out at all. I wonder if I am doing everything right, and worry and fret constantly. This week was no exception, only it was worse.

The week started off great and I thought it was going to be an easy, stress-free week full of lots of to-do's crossed off my list, but instead it was a week of blood tests, shots, stomach flu and lots of mommy guilt.

I took Breck to his 15 month check up at Mayo thinking it would be a breeze, forgetting about the shots. I planned to do some errands after because this appointment would take 30 minutes top, right? And I was even EARLY to the appointment - which for me is saying alot. Usually, I am right on the dot or late. So I sat longer than I wanted in the waiting room with a toddler; at least there was an aquarium full of fish and rows of chairs to run up and down between.

We then had a wonderful nurse that took us to the room and weighed him. He had only gained a pound, if even that, since his last check up at 12 months. "Is this normal?" I asked. "He's just a little guy" is the response I got and usually got so I thought nothing of it. Then the doctor came in, or who I thought was our doctor. We got assigned a new doctor because our other family doctor had moved to a different clinic so I had not met the new doctor. After this guy asked me a few questions, did his exam and then preceded to come in and out of the room a couple times with more questions, I realized he was a med student. So after waiting as the med student came in and out asking questions he forgot to previously ask and trying to entertain my toddler, clad only socks and a diaper, in a small exam room, I became very impatient.

Then the doctor came in and said that he was concerned with his weight. He was growing because he was in the 79 percentile for his height, but his head circumfrence and 3 percentile weight concerned him, along with the fact that he was no longer following his growth chart like he used to be. Immediately, I was taken off guard. Concerned? That is always a scary word when it comes out of a doctor's mouth. "I think we should run some tests." More scary words. Then a few reasons why he may not weigh as much as the doctor wanted him to: Lead poisoning, Iron Deficiency, Vitamin D Deficiency. Lead poisoning? My head was spinning. Now all the questions the med student asked made sense - what kind of house did we live it, did we smoke, how much does he eat, how much milk does he drink, ect. ect. ect. Immediately I felt like a bad mom. What was I doing wrong?

Then came the routine shots, tears, and a big lip. And since we had to go get blood work done, numbing ointment was rubbed onto each arm so he wouldn't feel the needle and blood draw. We had to wait longer so that the ointment had time to work but he didn't like the numbing feeling, and softly whimpered in the waiting room as we waited for the blood work. I thought shots were bad, but that is nothing compared to getting blood drawn. Laying over your child for what seems like hours while they scream is pure torture for a mom (and I'm sure him as well). Brecken wasn't doing so well after that- shots, blood work, and a two-hour clinic visit - the night was kinda shot. And well, I wasn't doing the best either.

Then came the waiting, worrying and wondering what the problem could be. Did he just not get enough to eat? He did eat like a bird at times. What if it was lead poisoning? What if the blood work showed nothing, then what? Luckily, I only had to wonder for a day and a half.

The results came back: Iron Deficiency Anemia and a little bit of Vitamin D Deficiency. Ok. At least it wasn't lead poisoning but still, how did this happen? What didn't I do right? It made me feel that I wasn't doing all I should do as a mom.

Hopefully it will all be corrected with supplemental drops/a prescription which we are faithfully doing every day now. I am praying that when I go back in six weeks, he is on his way to adding some weight. I've been trying to be really intentional about filling him with food, but he has not wanted to eat much this week. I am not sure if its the shots, teething or maybe the fact I am aware of every little thing he eats now, but he seemed to not eat much this week. More mommy guilt. Am I not giving him the right foods? Does he really never eat much?

So that was my week. Oh, and then I had the stomach flu. Yuck. Luckily it wasn't that terrible and only lasted about 24 hours. Oh, and then Todd got it. Yup, fun week here at our house. Blood tests, shots, stomach flu and lots of guilt.

Photo by Tessa Leen Photography

So I am trying not to dwell on the mommy guilt, even though it is still there. I know it will happen alot, along with the mommy worry. Don't get me started on that! I am always going to wonder if I am doing things right, if he getting the nutrition he needs, and if I am providing the best for him. I need to stop worrying about it and start praying. So easy to say, so hard to do. I need to remember that he is a gift from the Lord, and that He entrusted Brecken to Todd and I to love, cherish and care for. Brecken is in the hands of a Savior who knows the absolute best thing for him when Todd and I have not a clue. Instead of dwelling on the what-ifs, the unknowns, and the mommy guilt, I need to remember that God has it covered and has a plan for his sweet little life.

1 comment:

  1. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling Autumn. I felt the exact same way with both Claire and Kai and their issues. "How did I miss this? Is there something I should have done different? Did I CAUSE this by something I didn't do???" And the answer is a resounding NO! What you AREN'T thinking about is what you have done RIGHT! You are keeping him on track with his well baby checks. Because of that, the drs were able to check his growth against his previous check ups (which you also did-kudos again!) to see that there was something amiss. You are keeping a close eye on what he eats so you will be able to report back to the drs in regards to eating habits (btw-you can't MAKE him eat :) I have had to relearn this several times-kiddos only eat until they are full! Don't stress about the amt that he's eating :)). You are giving him the medications they told you to the way they told you to. You have made follow up appts and will keep on top of it! See-all things you are doing RIGHT! Trust your instinct-it's a very real thing. You knew there was something not right when they weighed him, so see-you are doing a good job :)
    It's SO hard to trust God and I have come to realize that God knows that. He knows how much we struggle with complete trust when it comes to our babies and their health. It's ok to ask God to help you have the faith that you need and to take away the guilt that you feel. Write down questions as you think of them and take them with you when you go to the dr. DO NOT GOOGLE it-I promise it makes things a MILLION times worse (speaking from experience!!)
    So try not to stress ok? I KNOW it's so hard, but you really are doing things right. You are using the resources that you have available to keep your son healthy. Lose that mommy guilt!! <3